Today marks eight years since my hus?band and I started dating. To com?mem?o?rate, I thought I?d share a little per?sonal his?tory. Five years or 259 weeks ago this past Sunday, Patrick and I were sit?ting at a corner booth in the Heav?enly Grounds Coffee Shop in Steubenville, Ohio enjoying an extra heav?enly ?heav?enly brownie.? Our topic of dis?cus?sion? Com?mu?ni?ca?tion. Rela?tion?ships. All of it. Why? Because after three years of dating and a couple breakups we were ready to start anew (for the last time). And so, our Sunday Meet?ings were born. It was a great turning point in our rela?tion?ship and the start of a dearly loved weekly tra?di?tion. We have never missed a Sunday since.
The fol?lowing letter sums it up fairly well. The letter was con?structed a few years ago for some cou?ples taking part in a Chris?tian mar?riage sup?port group as an exer?cise in com?mu?ni?ca?tion. ?Meeting kits? were given out to those involved (see the supply list below) and their rela?tion?ships were fol?lowed over the course of the next few months. I?m unsure how many cou?ples stuck with the rou?tine and if any were able to ben?efit from it long term but it has cer?tainly done won?ders for our rela?tion?ship. The whole point of course being ? open, fruitful communication.
Com?mu?ni?ca?tion: the suc?cessful con?veying or sharing of ideas or feelings.
We cer?tainly all know how to com?mu?ni?cate. We convey ideas and feel?ings everyday in some form or another, but is it suc?cessful? For rela?tion?ships to be fruitful and effec?tive, it takes self?less?ness, effort, and good, whole?some com?mu?ni?ca?tion. It is the basis for a rela?tion?ship of love, trust, and growth.
It has been our expe?ri?ence that while we have always been aware of the impor?tance of com?mu?ni?ca?tion, its prac?tice in our day-to-day lives has been rather inter?mit?tent, to say the least. In today?s busy world, it is becoming increas?ingly easy to lose track of the simple joys in life and where they can be found; namely, in love. In any cir?cum?stance, there is always room to grow and lessons to be learned. What started for us as a simple act of reflec?tion on our?selves, each other, and our inter?ac?tions with one another has turned out to be a cru?cial part in our dis?covery of effec?tive com?mu?ni?ca?tion and its impact on our rela?tion?ship. What we have devel?oped is a reg?imen that encour?ages that cru?cial inter?ac?tion on a daily/weekly basis; one which engages the heart, cul?ti?vates trust, deepens love, destroys the walls of vul?ner?a?bility, and turns everyday road?blocks into oppor?tu?ni?ties. It?s a recipe for success.
Our recipe requires only a few simple things: two willing indi?vid?uals, a note?book or journal, and a candle. You start by choosing one day each week to schedule as your ?meeting? day. Pick a day that works well for each indi?vidual, per?haps in the evening when the day?s activ?i?ties are over and you are able to shut out any dis?trac?tions (but not too tired to think). Your meeting can run as long as it needs to, try not to rush. Set aside at least 15?20 minutes.
To begin your first ses?sion, pre?pare the large candle vase by securing the long candle wick to the bottom of the vase (wick anchor, tape, glue, melted wax, etc.) and use a paper clip or piece of tape to hold the other end to the top rim of the candle vase. (Leave a little slack and don?t cut the wick too short.) Set this aside. Then, light the small white candle from your candle-making kit. The candle must stay lit during the entiriety of your meeting. You will pour the melted wax into the large candle vase at the end of your ses?sion. Over the course of time, you will ?build? your own candle. Yes, it?s cheesy, but there is a point to all of this, we promise. You can cer?tainly omit the candle if you so desire.
Now open your book. (Feel free to cus?tomize this in any way you please.) Choose a way to begin your meeting, to get into the ?mind-set?. Begin in prayer. Give thanks for the gift of each other. Be thankful to God for what you have today, promise Him you will try to do even better tomorrow. Allow Him into your rela?tion?ship. You may also choose to begin with some quiet time, deep breathing, etc. Choose what works best for?you.
Begin with affir?ma?tions. This step is crit?ical and can be very pow?erful. Pos?i?tive thinking is essen?tial to making this whole process work after all. When we truly love some?body we are rec?og?nizing and relating to the good in them. Ver?balize it. It is vital that we share words of encour?age?ment and that we are honest and sin?cere. Build one another up. What did you both do par?tic?u?larly well that week? What do you love about the other person? Per?haps it was some?thing small, some?thing that may have been over?looked. Be gen?erous with your com?pli?ments. Often?times we begin to inter?nalize the things we are grateful for in the other person and we are not as quick to speak out about them. Let?ting each other know how you feel will only draw you closer. We all love to hear good things about ourselves.
Next, dis?cuss the ways?you may have hurt each other over the past week or the ways you may have fallen short of your com?mit?ment to one another. Try to acknowl?edge your own short?com?ings before pointing them out in your mate. This is not, we repeat not, an oppor?tu?nity to argue or reassert your opinion about a pre?vious dis?agree?ment or fall-out. Stay focused. Learn to be self?less and put your?self in the other?s shoes. Be a good lis?tener. Be open-minded. Be humble.
Now set a goal, some?thing rel?a?tive to your sit?u?a?tion. If you were both strug?gling with self?ish?ness of some form or another, find a way to be gen?erous. Write each other let?ters, give of your time, pre?pare a meal. Per?form some self?less act that week. No matter what your struggle, whether it was one or both per?sons, make your?selves account?able and set a goal to change. Be cre?ative. Choose some way or ways to help you over?come your short?coming that week (if there even is one). Per?haps you had an amazing week. Way to go! Instead of a goal, offer your?selves a reward. Each con?sec?u?tive week you will begin by eval?u?ating your pre?vious goal (Was it met?). Per?haps you want to repeat it that next week. Keep in mind, these goals aren?t just short term. Make a sin?cere com?mit?ment to change. It may help to keep a reminder around some?where during your week to keep you on track (ie: writing it on the bath?room mirror, etc.).
Next, rate your?selves and your past week as a couple on a scale (1?10, poor ? excel?lent, etc.). It helps you gauge your progress over the weeks and adds extra moti?va?tion to do better. It?s fun to com?pile these num?bers over time and eval?uate your progress.
Now it?s time to schedule a couple of com?mit?ments. Please note, this is not intended to add more tasks to your already busy sched?ules. To have a suc?cessful rela?tion?ship, you have to make time for each other. First, plan a ?date.? Do some?thing romantic. It doesn?t have to be any?thing big and it doesn?t nec?es?sarily have to cost you any money. It?s an oppor?tu?nity for quality time. Go for a walk, a bike ride, go on a picnic, watch a movie, make each other dinner, etc. Next, schedule a prayer com?mit?ment. Remember that there are three per?sons to every rela?tion?ship. Don?t leave God out. Say a prayer before bed, go to church together, read the Bible or a spir?i?tual book or pas?sage with one another. Make it a ?spir?i?tual date,? and find time to do it together that week. You are prac?ticing sac?ri?fice. Give of your time and self and give it wholeheartedly.
Close your meeting in prayer. Choose a prayer to be ?your prayer,? and pray it at the close of each meeting. Tape or glue it to the inside back cover of your book. Blow out your small candle and pour the wax into your tall candle vase. Can?dles are often used to sym?bolize unity. As you build your candle together, keep in mind that you are also building and reforming your rela?tion?ship. Can?dles also rep?re?sent the light of Christ. Allow Him to be your guide and mentor, to dispel any dark?ness or dif?fi?cul?ties you may find your?selves facing.
There, you?re done!?With time and prac?tice, you will develop a reg?imen that works well for you. You will begin to learn more about each other. You will become more sen?si?tive, self?less, gen?erous, and loving. It may not be auto?matic; be open to change and per?se?vere. Let the Lord guide?you.
Please treat this layout as a foun?da?tional piece. What works well for one couple, doesn?t always work well for the next. You must make it your own, fit it to work for your rela?tion?ship. Add addi?tional steps, if nec?es?sary. Remember that non?verbal com?mu?ni?ca?tion is often?times more impor?tant than the things we say. You may choose to incor?po?rate non?ver?bals as well. Again, be creative.
You are in con?trol of your rela?tion?ship. Love is a choice. Choose to show love, even when you don?t feel like it. A wise man once said, ?Love is an uncon?di?tional com?mit?ment between two imper?fect people.? We are not per?fect but we were per?fectly made. Trust in the Lord and you will reap His ben?e?fits. Good luck and God?s bless?ings to you and your?mate!
Best,
Farrah and Patrick
So. Wanna try it your?self? Per?haps a great engagement/wedding or other gift?idea?
- Sup?plies:
- 1 book/journal
- 1 tall?vase
- candle making sup?plies (wick and anchors)
- small can?dles (to burn for their?wax)
- paper clip or tape (to secure top of wick to rim of?glass)
- lighter
Please note. The fol?lowing is our journal format and has been adjusted slightly over time (nat?u?rally, as we also adjusted). If you?re inter?ested in trying it out, make it per?sonal, cus?tomize it to fit your rela?tion?ship, but keep in mind the basic com?po?nents men?tioned in the above letter. Have fun with it! Also, my hus?band and I are Roman Catholic so you will notice that some steps will reflect that. Again, tailor it to your and your partner?s per?sonal inter?ests and beliefs.
Our Journal Format:
I. Opening prayer
? We alter?nate. One indi?vidual does the note-taking and the other opens the meeting with prayer (personal/ad lib).
II.?Saint of the Week
? We chose a saint who?s feast day is to be cel?e?brated that week and ask for their inter?ces?sion. We usu?ally read a small bio?graph?ical sum?mary on them as well.
III.?Goal eval?u?a?tion
?We use this time to dis?cuss our pre?vious week?s goal (if there was one), whether or not it was met, what we may have learned, etc.
IV. Affir?ma?tions {The Good}
? Here we do two things. First we name some good?ness in the other person and/or a good act we noticed the other person per?forming that past week (ie: act of kind?ness, job well done, etc.). Then we add some?thing we love about the other person (ie: char?acter trait, habit, etc.). We do this for both per?sons.
V. a.?Imper?fec?tions {The Not-So-Good}
? This is where we focus on our short?com?ings and list the areas where improve?ments are needed (ie: fail?ures to act, hurtful words/actions, etc.), reflecting again on that past week. We do this for both per?sons.
b. Goal
?Based on our short?com?ings, we develop a goal or goals for making changes/improvements and imple?ment it that week (ie: act of kind?ness, forming good habits, refraining from the par?tic?ular short?coming, etc.).
* If we had a great week with no par?tic?ular short?com?ings to speak of then instead of a goal, this is where we may offer our?selves a reward (ie: dinner out, spe?cial treat, etc.). Oth?er?wise, we just skip this sec?tion.
VI. Rating
? We use a 10-point scale and give our?selves a score with 0 being the worst and 10 being the best.
VII. Com?mit?ments
a. Romantic
? This can be any?thing (ie: beach day, movie night, etc.).
b. Spir?i?tual
? We like to be cre?ative here and do dif?ferent things (ie: prayer com?mit?ment, con?fes?sion, etc.).
Then we end in prayer, typ?i?cally the same indi?vidual who opened in prayer reads aloud or we do it together; this time reciting a selected prayer that we have taped to the back of the?book.
One final note. The candle we were building (though not ini?tially intended for this pur?pose) became our wed?ding candle and was lit for the first time at our wed?ding. We no longer include the candle building process as part of our meet?ings but we did decide that we would light our candle during impor?tant events/moments in our lives (ie: the birth of our daughter, her bap?tism, our anniver?sary, etc.). I might also add that this process made for an incred?ible engage?ment pro?posal, but I?ll save that story for another day.
Dis?claimer: We are not relationship/marriage coun?selors. This prac?tice, if you will, has proved to be very suc?cessful for us in our dating rela?tion?ship and has con?tinued to be a source of great blessing and joy in our mar?riage. If you happen to try it, or offer it to someone you know, we would love to have feed?back. I am also open to any ques?tions you may?have!
Thank you for reading {sorry it was lengthly} and God bless you and your loved?ones!
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